In a move without precedent in professional team sport, A-League football club, Melbourne Heart will be launching a crowdfunding campaign to help pay for the removal of their beleaguered manager, John Aloisi.
Shoot Farken has obtained minutes and other confidential documents from a crisis meeting held at Melbourne Heart headquarters. They were found in a wheelie bin after an anonymous tip off.
The meeting was called after last Friday’s defeat against Sydney FC at AAMI Park. The team’s performance was so poor it resulted in boos and chants of “Aloisi Out” from their increasingly restive supporters. Melbourne Heart have picked up only two points from their last eleven A-League matches.
According to the minutes viewed by Shoot Farken, the board headed by the club’s chairman, Peter Sidwell, concluded that they had:
1) Made the mistake of appointing an inexperienced youth coach ahead of a better credentialed candidate because Aloisi was better for publicity.
2) Made the mistake of putting Aloisi on a three year contract.
3) Made the mistake of not terminating Aloisi’s contract after an unsatisfactory first season.
Also present at the meeting was an un-named consultant from the neo-liberal think tank, Institute of Public Affairs. He had been invited by the board to offer innovative and creative solutions to “The Aloisi Problem”.
Shoot Farken has also obtained the copy of his presentation. It reads:
Disasters, be they natural or man-made, present exciting market opportunities. What we have here is a relatively insignificant on-field football disaster. But it is significant for you because you have gambled with an appointment and lost.
This is where capitalism comes to the rescue. It allows the rich like you to make mistakes, but not pay for them. Why use your money, when you can use someone else’s.
If your customers want John Aloisi out of your franchise, why should you pay for your mistake of appointing him?
In this case, all you need to do is to get the masses to pay out the remainder of his three year contract. Why stand in their way. Give them what they want. Give them some customer satisfaction.
We recommend the exciting new world of crowdfunding to solve “The Aloisi Problem”.
Everyone is doing it. Not only are the less well-off trying to raise cash for worthy projects, but also rich people like you. Just look at Zach Braff and his film project.
If Zach can raise three million dollars for his film, surely you can raise half million to pay out Aloisi. The demand is there. All you need to do is to come up with a suitable reward to match the size of the pledge as a token of your heartfelt appreciation.
According to the minutes, the Melbourne Heart board voted in favour of the crowdfunding solution.
In another document found in the wheelie bin, the following rewards will be offered for financial pledges to remove John Aloisi.
Pledge $10 or more and receive an “I Helped Sack John Aloisi” sticker.
Pledge $20 or more and receive an “I Helped Sack John Aloisi” badge.
Pledge $50 or more and receive an “I Helped Sack John Aloisi” t-shirt.
Pledge $1,000 or more and receive a round of golf with Harry Kewell. 50 available.
Pledge $2,000 or more and receive John Aloisi’s suit from Peter Werth. 20 available.
Pledge $5,000 or more and receive Hayden Foxe’s match day uniform. 1 available.
Pledge $10,000 or more and receive John Aloisi’s Bunnings Chair. 1 available.
Pledge $500,000 or more and receive a seat on the Melbourne Heart board. 1 available
Pledge $10,000,000 or more and receive the Melbourne Heart A-League License. 1 available
Droll… and probably true. Where can I join the queue?
It is funny 🙂